yesterday was a long-ass day.
fun, but long.
got up early, had brunch, went to Oakland on the Ferry to see Rebecca and the Art Car Fest, went to a party, then to see Margaret Cho at Davies Symphony Hall ("I think this may be the first time fisting has been openly discussed here at Davies Symphony Hall."), and then-- back to the party with some other people.
photos and details forthcoming.

yippee! an interview with Laurie Anderson, one of my favorite people on earth, on the Onion AV Club.

hmm. 6 hours sleep not enough. grumble grumble.

Eli pointed me in the direction of the rather "flabbergasting" special issue of the Onion this morning.
"Holy Fucking Shit - America Attacked."
I kinda like this headline:
"Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s"

oy, it's 12:30!
my friend Rebecca, who lives in Houston now, is in town for the Art Car Fest, and while I knew she was coming, I wasn't sure when.
I got a message yesterday that said, "Hi!!! I'm driving 75 miles an hour toward SF right now!" or something to that effect. tonight I got home from a very long and yicky day and put on my jammies, when the phone rang.
"Hi!!! I just got to town, and I'm at Ocean Beach with the rest of the Art Car people, and we're having a bonfire! Wanna go have a drink?"
oof. school night. jammies on.
holy shit, it's rebecca, and she's here! whattami thinking? so she drove over and we went and had some beers.
boy, is it good to see old friends. (even when they do make us get out of our jammies and stay up late. or maybe especially then....) it's hard to cram two years of news and updates into a couple hours, though.
sigh.

I was thinking this morning that things here are starting to feel a little more normal. I don't feel constantly anxious. I'm still kind of freaked out, but not losing my shit.
Then my sister Anne sent me an email that said there was a really horrible smell coming from 'ground zero,' and she could smell it from her apartment (e. 10th between 1st and A).
"This morning in my neighborhood there was a horrible horrible smell coming from Ground Zero, as the press calls the disaster site. I guess the fires are still
burning there. I’ve heard about them wanting to save the PATH trains, and Virginia thought part of the smell is all the machines they are using in order to drill
through the big pieces of steel, to remove them. Whatever it was, it was horrible."

Then I felt really isolated from the whole thing, as I did when I read this excellent post about
Frank DeMartini from lauraholder not com's post from the 25th.
(via nil by mouth)

THEN at lunchtime I was standing outside talking to someone about all of this, and how I feel like maybe everything's going to be okay, when a huge green military helicopter flew overhead and drowned out what I was saying.
and then I got scared again.

"Peace is not an absence of war, it is a virtue, a state
of mind, a disposition for benevolence, confidence,
justice."
- Ethical philosopher
Benedict (Baruch) Spinoza
(1632-1677)

oh, I am sooo not giving in to the urge to whine right now.
it's not much to be proud of, I know.

My russian class meets in a middle school in Noe Valley... pretty funny to sit in middle school seats with a bunch of grown-ups, struggling over verb conjugation and sweating over chapter tests.
On the blackboard when I arrived was the following:

---

Mr. Podowski

This war will not be on your television.

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved through understanding." - Albert Einstein

VOCABULARY
indigenous
genocide
disease
ritual
A-BOMB
covert - secret

---

ooh, I just started a whole whining thing, and had to delete it. it's way too dangerous to get that self-indulgent...
my class is fucking hard, or- a possibility we must consider- I'm not studying enough.
ok, let's nip the whining in the bud.
now, for something completely silly:
someone at work sent me this link recently. depending on my mood my feelings about it range from the truly entertained to kind of annoyed. I really like the one that's on the main page right now: "Learning, Sharing, Growing: A Children's Guide to Life's Lessons." The lesson called Annie is all little movies of his cat. very, very entertaining, but maybe only if one has cats? whattya think? universally entertaining? or a cat thing? be sure to look at "good idea (poor execution)" before you make up your mind.

ooh, that's all the hooey I can write for today. time for bed.

"Complex systems can only be built step by step, whereas destruction requires but an instant. Thus, in what I like to call the Great Asymmetry, every spectacular incident of evil will be balanced by 10,000 acts of kindness, too often unnoted and invisible as the "ordinary" efforts of a vast majority."
-Steven Jay Gould, from the NY Times this morning.

I've been busy with studying. It sucks. I feel perpetually behind. How anybody can work full time and take more than two classes is beyond me. When I get this discouraged, I can't remember why I'm doing this to begin with. (oh, wait- I didn't have a reason to begin with.)

another email from Misha, who was travelling from Beijjing to Russia, then Turkey, Greece, and perhaps further... sadly he got girardia from the water in St. Petersburg and has been in the hospital. (and then a flare-up of colitis, and now bronchitis.) yikes!

Michael Moore's letter about his arrival back in NYC after driving all the way from LA.

oh, man, last night I was tired and depressed... I'm having trouble, along with everyone else, finding a normal routine in all this... I haven't gotten squat done at work for two weeks... there's nothing to just move past, because the "what-may-come" is as distressing as the "what-has-happened."
so I went to my local neighborhood crappy video store in search of something fluffy, and a copy of "bedazzled" (the 1967 version with Dudley Moore and Peter Cook) caught my eye. (everything else that caught my eye was trouble: 3 hour epic tear-jerkers about war-torn families in WW2, etc.)
When the remake of this movie (with Brendan Frasier, who is a cutie, but makes mostly bad movies) came out, someone told me that the original version was actually very funny. I was very put off by the photo of Raquel Welch on the cover, but thankfully she's only in it for a few minutes, and truly, the rest of it was hysterical. I don't know what else I've seen Peter Cook in, except as the priest with the speech impediment in "The Princess Bride." and I never cared much for Dudley Moore, but he's great in this. totally young and pitiful and adorable. (also- it's written by Moore and Cook, and directed by Stanley Donen. They must have had a blast making it.)
The plot is simple: Moore plays Stanley, a pathetic short-order cook, in love with waitress Margaret, who barely knows he's alive. Stanley tries unsuccessfully to hang himself when the devil (a.k.a. George Spiggott), played by Cook, comes in and makes him an offer: 7 wishes in exchange for his soul. (God and the Devil actually have a little competition going-- if the Devil can gather a hundred billion souls before God can, he'll be let back into Heaven.) Hilarity, etc., ensues.

"Kids can't see us bombing, and then listen to us talking about getting guns out of the schools.
How can we tell them to solve problems without violence, if, in fact, we can't show an ability to solve problems without violence?"
-Representative Barbara Lee, Congresswoman for 9th District, California
"She was the only member of Congress on September 14th to vote against the bill to give Bush carte blanche powers to go to war however he saw fit."
see her Floor Statement here.

Ok, so Amazon gets major kudos for their Red Cross fund drive. And true, they have been able to find books for me that independent bookstores have not, including german-language books and oh, hey, that book of russian motion verbs. But otherwise they suck.
I ordered a book from Powell's City of Books in Portland, Oregon, and it showed up very promptly.
I have resolved never to use evil Amazon for books again. evil, evil, evil Amazon. I specifically set my preferences to receive only email, not snail mail, and asked not to be sent stupid emailed 'recommendations.' So what did I get yesterday, but a fat flyer in the mail, plus an email telling me what else to buy! argh. Their recommendations are sooo lame, they should be ashamed of themselves. I'm going to run out and buy Mike Daisey's book now.
Powell's has used books, and their partner music store is Djangos, a music and video store I know nothing about (but look! here you can find a copy of the Eurythmic's Savage for $7.99!), to fulfill all your entertainment needs. whoopee!
The book I bought is another story entirely. Someone at work had a copy, and I just immediately wanted my own. It's basically photos of the Berlin Wall and people around it during the fall of '89, while they were started to dismantle it. The photos are great. The quotes that accompany the photos are... well, they range from Carl Sandburg to various presidents of the US, and from Bob Dylan to Martin Luther King, Jr. Some are great, while some... not so great. But the book induced a really good cry last night, something I've needed to do for a while now; something about the way these people held the hammers they slammed into the wall. kids, older people-- can you imagine? I mean, what a metaphor. (sorry, I feel just a little emotional these days.) not that bringing down the wall solved everyone's problems by a long shot, but still-- to be able to literally help smash the thing that has limited your freedom-- how fucking great is that. most of us only do battle in our heads.

"Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love."
--Martin Luther King, Jr.

and this is for Eli:
"Jonathan (L., that is) will interview Michael Chabon later this month, at the New York Public Library. September 20th, 6pm. Tix are $10. More information at the NYPL website."

OH, shit. scratch that. I went to the NYPL site and the thing's been cancelled.
now I'm starting to get really crabby.

It's so much easier to let other people do the talking about what's happened.
Jonathan Lethem spells out his view from Brooklyn:
"9 Failures of the Imagination"
from the special online edition of the New York Times Magazine (the printed version will be published next week).
(and by the way, if you haven't read any Lethem, go do it now.)

oh, pretty please read Michael Moore.
His message from the 15th is pretty intense; there's a postscript at the end about an unsubstantiated rumor concerning footage from ABC that may show a fighter plane following the second plane that crashed into the towers. (wheeew! run-on from hell!)
but there are other good things there too.
I've placed a permanent link to his site to your left. But I'll probably just keep linking to his messages, because I find them so incredible; we so want to hear someone express what we ourselves are thinking, and he comes pretty close for me.
Lots of people at work today are still shaken up, still not sleeping well. I had some seriously bad and scary nightmares Saturday night. I bribed Spikey the Wonder Cat onto the bed for some comfort by putting the really soft fleece blanket on top of the comforter.
Things will never (trite alarm!) be the same. but we will learn to live this way, we will start sleeping better again, because we have to, and because the fuckin' alarm clock just went off and we woke up and joined the rest of the world. No other nation like ours has the privilege of living such a dream in such isolation from all the bloodshed.

oh, one last quote from Mr. Moore:
"Speaking of Strangelove, this past week began with one of the most powerful pieces on 60 Minutes in a long time. They laid it all out: How the United States -- and specifically Henry Kissinger -- plotted to overthrow the democratically-elected president of Chile in the early 1970s. The plot succeeded, President Allende was assassinated, and thousands of other Chileans were brutally tortured and murdered. Today, many within the new government of Chile would like to put Kissinger on trial for these acts of terrorism. Do you think the United States will give him up?
Well, that story was forgotten, 48 hours later, as quickly as it had been forgotten 30 years ago.
A few of you have written me to say, Please, Mike, don't talk about this stuff, at least not right now. We need to bury the dead.
I agree. And I apologize to any who have taken offense. No one wants to talk about politics right now -- except our installed leaders in Washington. Trust me, they are talking politics night and day, and those discussions involve sending our kids off to fight some invisible enemy and to indiscriminately bomb Afghans or whoever they think will make us Americans feel good.
I feel I have a responsibility as one of those Americans who doesn't feel good right now to speak out and say what needs to be said: That we, the United States of America, are culpable in committing so many acts of terror and bloodshed that we had better get a clue about the culture of violence in which we have been active participants. I know it's a hard thing to hear right now, but if I and others don't say it, I fear we will soon be in a war that will do NOTHING to protect us from the next terrorist attack."

D and I rented a really great movie tonight called Soft Fruit. I highly recommend it.

and this was printed on my receipt at Harvest Market this evening:
"It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples."
--Charles Dicken
duh.

from sfgate.com, in Stephanie Salter's column today: "Wisdom, idiocy from the pulpit"
"In this week's pronouncements, Falwell placed blame for the terrorist destruction on the ACLU, gay rights and pro-choice advocates and all who work to keep church and state separate.
His rationale: God has specifically protected the United States since "her inception" but has grown angry at our increasing secularism and, apparently, has disconnected his celestial security gate to let all manner of murderous infidels have at us."

oh, I was doing so well, but the things that Mike Daisey is linking to here (some fine specimens of hate-- and as he says, on a national platform--) are making me very upset again...

No, Mr. Bush, Not Everyone Wants Bloodshed

Bush, the CIA and the Roots of Terrorism
Michael Moore (this article was also on Alternet.org.)

and more from Michael Moore...
Across America Tonight

from the Guardian UK:
They can't see why they are hated;
Americans cannot ignore what their government does abroad

Current total of donations to the Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund through Amazon: $4,690,890.00.
I'm finding this especially great because the Red Cross site is inaccessible. (too much traffic, probably.)
spread the word, if you know of people who want to donate.
And remember to go and donate blood on a regular basis from now on!
That way shortages can be avoided in the future.

oh, and by the way-- I'm home because there was a bomb threat in downtown SF (the Embarcadero Centers) and my company overreacted a little-- not, of course, that I want to be sitting at work wondering how true the threat is-- and sent everyone home. Of course, I'm supposed to be checking my voicemail... but I'm online. also, I just saw on the news that everyone who was hanging out downtown just went back into the buildings. so now what? hell, it's noon, and I'm in my jammies.

I've gotten these bogus Nostradamus quotes emailed to me 3 times.
to debunk, go to this link to Concordance.com and click on "Nostradamus-- Prophecies."
as K. says, "Type in key words and get actual quotes.... You'll note the absence of any references to 'twin brothers' or 'york'... some of his myriad ramblings are sure to end up sounding like a true prediction, just out of random chance."

every time I sit to write something, I'm overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness and frustration. being so damn far away from so many people I love has never been harder.
I don't know who's reading; I don't know what you're doing; for the first time I really, really feel the utter inadequacy of computers for expressing feelings and keeping in touch with people. I'm finding the blogs and websites of strangers to be strangely comforting... as if the global family instinct had kicked in, and we are all writing for the benefit of all the loved ones we haven't met yet. I'm hearing and reading so many beautiful stories about people helping each other, providing support in so many forms...
Rob Brezsny had some good things to say... I don't know how long it'll be on his page, though.

amazon is helping to collect donations for the American Red Cross Disaster Relief fund.
if you're feeling disheartened, go look and refresh the page every couple minutes. The donations go up by the thousands.
Apparently they raised their first million this morning.
It's now 11 pm; they've raised $1, 823, 844.41.
57879 donations.
what will it say tomorrow?

what she said.

silence.

On Saturday my father left a message on my voicemail (which says 'you've reached Ken, Susan, and Spike'-- just in case, dear reader, you didn't know) that started out like this:
"Hello, Ken, Susan, and Spike-- this is, mm, Spike's stepfather calling. (long pause-- I think he must have startled himself by being so funny.) Hello, Susan.... {and the rest of the message}"
it was the cutest thing ever. For years he started out every message by rather stiffly saying, "I'm not sure if I've reached the right number, but if I've reached Susan, I wanted to let her know..." because I always had weird outgoing messages or music (frequently Bongwater).

oh, how about some archy today?

i finally bought the book, and while i was pretty crushed out before, now i am in love. it's great stuff.

from archy interviews a pharoh:
"kingly has been
says i
what was your ambition
when you had any

insignificant
and journalistic insect
says the royal crackling
in my tender prime
i was too dignified
to have anything as vulgar
as ambition
the ra ra boys
in the seti set
were too haughty
to be ambitious
we used to spend our time
feeding the ibises
and ordering
pyramids sent home to try on
but if i had my life
to live over again
i would give dignity
the regal razz
and hire myself out
to work in a brewery"

fun with Google.
Here's a picture of another me! yikes! It's a fan page for Pulp.
and this one's interesting: "I am a married woman trying to be friends to people like you." I'm afraid to find out what that means. The home page appears to be devoted to Tori Amos. weird.
There's a third grade teacher in Wisconsin, and a school counselor named Mrs. Susan Hunsicker-Deutsch in Hellertown, PA.
A softball player in Lehigh, PA-- "After two outs, and runners still on first and third, McKeon moved to second on a passed ball. Then Susan Hunsicker smacked a single that brought home both McKeon and Mertz. Alicia Garber followed with another single to score Hunsicker and conclude the inning's scoring."
And one more teacher (special education) in Georgia.

From the article in the NYT about the MTV awards at the Met tonight:
"Dressing rooms have been stocked with scented candles, Captain Crunch cereal, and Kettle One vodka."
is that some trashy american vodka I've never heard of? will they be pouring it over the Captain Crunch? and who gives a shit about the MTV awards, anyway? geez. Captain Crunch. The folks in the media have too much free time.
(so what am I doing reading about this rot?!)

An old favorite! Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator. Minutes of fun.

There's a great article in the New York Times this morning about the 11,000 item erotica collection that's been accumulating for decades in the Russian State Library in Moscow.

"There is still no comprehensive record of the collection's contents or provenance because the trove was never methodically assembled. It accrued over decades thanks to customs officers, the secret police, the Soviet government's censorship bureau, and ideologically obedient library patrons who turned in material that even hinted at sex, whether erotic, pornographic, suggestive or even scientific in tone."

"The library still holds secrets, though, among them the fate of books taken from the Romanov family after 1917. They were brought to Leninka, and Stalin later insisted that they be destroyed. But Ms. Chestnykh said the director of the library, Vladimir Nevsky, could not bear to lose the fine old texts and tried to keep them. For his efforts, he was shot in 1937, but his staff hid volumes throughout the library, shoving them pell-mell into the stacks.
"'We are still finding them," Ms. Chestnykh said, adding that many of the nearly 1,000 books are cataloged among various collections. "But nobody knows where they all are. Sometimes a reader will bring us a book and point out that the ex libris is the czar's. It is all part of a tragic history.'"

pooped and slightly sunburned.
past my bedtime.
2 and a half days in the woods and mountains were lovely, lovely.
one bear, a snake, a seriously kick-ass thunderstorm, and several Marines were sighted.
(There's a huge Marine outdoor training camp up where we were, near Sonora Pass.)
photos to follow, and perhaps a more detailed description.